Being reserved

Pouring my heart out today – rant alert. I am an introvert. In the last few days, I have been reading a lot of posts on introverts and realized one thing – that we all face the same issues and that very few people understand us.

When at work, I would like to be included in the conversations and get-togethers but usually I do not participate. I just listen. As a result, people isolate me terribly and I end up being the most misunderstood individual – and lonely.

Group discussions and gossip irritate me. Hi and Hello conversations just put me off as I feel they are wastage of time. Yes, I greet people, but that is all. People do not understand that I am totally into one-to-one conversations. Conversations that turn into memories and not just idle gossip.

I need my ‘me’ time and love to get lost in work. When I am working, the world fades away – another complaint I hear about myself. I don’t know what else to do. I prefer my own company and love to paint, crochet and read. But once in a while, I do feel like going out and meeting people who add value to my life (and who, by the way, are very few).

There is a small set of people who understand me very well – they do not judge my introvert qualities and are very happy to invite me when going to the cafe or just for a break. They speak and mean well and I believe I am not a bad communicator. However, why some people misunderstand me is beyond my comprehension. I know I should not get affected by this and mostly, I don’t. Once in a while, it gets to me and today is one of those days. Yes I have read Susan Cain and have heard her videos, I have read hundreds of articles on the web. But it’s just the same pain everywhere.

Somewhere, I happen to believe that I have been at the receiving end of office politics, due to which, my being an introvert is being abused. I have reasons to feel so. I can not let it affect me, and more importantly, I can not have anyone know that it affects me. But it does. Again, this is one of those days.

I think my thoughts are pretty incoherent and I will just stop here before the mish-mash becomes too hard to read.

Movie review (sort of): PINK #IAMPINK

pink

Well, yes it is but obvious that I would go gaga over PINK. Amitabh Bachchan’s movie had me in tears and no, they definitely weren’t tears of joy.

How a woman is treated in our society is brought out beautifully in the movie PINK. We speak of being modern and yet, we are as backward as the monkey era where in, a woman can not even drink out with friends without being labeled with expletives such as ‘fast’, ‘promiscuous’, and ‘prostitute’.

Times may have changed for some, but for many, times remain in a limbo. Women for them are to cook ‘great’ food for the husband at home, stay confined to the kitchen and rear children. Any other role and she is labelled. Forever.

The best thing about the movie was that a point was made, without really making a point. Amitabh Bachchan’s acting prowess was perfect to the role, no one else could have done justice to the eccentric retired lawyer’s character. I have been in close proximity to friends who have dealt with lawyers and trust me, it is HELL capitalized, italicized and spelled out. Good lawyers close a case in 6 months. Those with motives will ensure that they are doing a huge favour to you by fighting your case, in spite of you paying them.

The movie brought out a lot of emotions in me. I have seen women who have risen from ashes as Phoenix, women who chose simply because it was their choice, women who wanted to be different and decided to be, women who carved new paths for themselves against all the barricades of the patriarchal society around them.

I have seen women who have taken a 180 degree turn, and lost everyone in the process because “they have changed”. I have seen women whose independence got rejected because the pitiful needy girl was better to handle. I have seen women who chose to remain single and go abroad for studies because the Indian society does not accept a single woman as a woman of good character. Women who travel are “fast”. Women who have “boy” friends have ill characters. Women who stand up for themselves against the atrocities of in-laws have loose character.

Women, Women, Women – the reason of all destruction, the reason of all fights in the house, the reason why friends got separated, and so on and so forth.  These women have just done one thing. They said NO. They said NO to submission. They said NO to oppression. They said NO because they wanted to say NO. 

Just like any man, who says NO to a BMW because he wants a Mercedes. As SIMPLE as that.

That was the crux of the movie, that a NO, even by a prostitute whom one has paid already, is a NO and that her modesty can not be compromised. That a woman has a right to say no, even if she is the wife, and that women have to be treated equally.

This is going to be the ONLY movie that I will remember in life. The only movie that made sense, makes sense and will always make sense.

Because I am a Woman. A proud one at that.

And I hope all women come out and speak in favour of this movie. This movie is going to be the revolution of the India era, one that will uplift the Indian woman to new heights.

 

Dreams, Crazy Dreams

लाखों  बार  समझाया ,  फिर  भी  ये सपने  पगले  सपने
हर  रात  आकर  जगा  जाते  हैं  अरमानों  की   लहरें
क्यूँ  होता  है  ऐसा , की  हमको  वो  नहीं  मिलता
जिसे  हम  तहे  दिल  से  चाह  कर  पाने  की  रखते  हैं  तमन्ना
जले  हैं  हाथ  फिर  भी  दिल  को  फिर  से  जलने  दिया
लाख  समझाया , फिर  भी  सपनों  को  दुबारा  पलने  दिया
हर  दिन  हर  रात  टूटके  बिखरते  हैं  ये  सपने
फिर  सुबह  सवेरे  नयी  डोर  से  लिपट  जाते  हैं  पगले  सपने
कौन  समझाए   इनको , की  न  हो  इतने  बेचैन
जब  टूटना  ही  है  हर  रोज़ , तोह  क्यूँ   जुड़ते  हैं  सपने
जब  टूटना   ही  है  हर  रोज़  तोह  क्यूँ  जुड़ते  हैं  हम ?
पगले  कहती  हो  पूनम  हमको , तुम  हो  सबसे  बड़ी  बावरी
जीना  यही  है  जीना   सीखो , हर  पल  में  दुनिया  भर  लो
कल  को  ये  तो  नहीं  ग़म  होगा  कि  जिया  ही  नहीं , यह  क्या  किया
कल  को  मुड  कर  पीछे   देखा , तो  ज़िन्दगी  रेत   के  कण  की  तरह
हाथों  से  फिसलती  दिखेगी  जब  पूनम  तुमको ,
तो  क्या  हुआ  अगर  ज़िन्दगी  ने  तुमको  धोखा  दे  दिया ,
तब  तुम  यही  सोचोगी , की  सपने  तो   देखे , सपनो  में तो  जिया

Translation:

Dreams.. Crazy dreams..

I’ve told myself a million times, but crazy dreams just don’t listen to me.

Bringing waves of desires, every night, they overwhelm me.

Why don’t we ever receive that, which we desire

from the deepest depths of the heart?

Once bitten, yet I let my heart burn yet again,

Tried to stop a million times, yet let those dreams simmer again

Every night and every day, these dreams shatter

like shards of broken glass,

Yet the next dawn sees crazy dreams arising into a new beginning again

Someone implore them to exercise restraint,

Why arise and shine when they have to disintegrate every day?

Why we arise and shine when we have to disintegrate every day?

You call us crazy, but you are the biggest fool.

Know that this is life, your world in each of its moments,

At least you’d have no regrets tomorrow, on how you lived your life

Looking back at today, Punam, when you see your life

Escaping through your fingers like slippery grains of sand

To hell with life and its grand betrayals,

At least, you dreamt!!

At least, your dreams were alive!!

Diaries of the Hechicera: Bleeding Roses

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Image Credit: Nicolas Raymond

In my mind’s eye, I envisioned a story that had no beginning,
Years and years of wait, is what I could only imagine.
Life’s most fruitful years, one by one just disappeared
Left me wondering, wandering, perplexed and tired.
It’s raining bleeding roses. Know it. It’s raining bleeding roses.

In my sweet innocent little heart, I heard a heartbeat whisper,
It questioned, in doubt, finally!! Will the wait be over?
And I really really thought, it would be,
So I convinced my innocent heart, hour after hour.
It was raining bleeding roses, I didn’t know. It was raining bleeding roses.

There they were, the heart and mind, rejoicing a tad bit early,
For in store for them, was a story that would leave them both gory.
I had no answer, nothing to tell them, their eyes reflecting hurt deep,
For they felt that I had betrayed them, beyond repair, ruthlessly.
Would you please tell them I hadn’t known, it rained bleeding roses?

Would you? You? and You? Please explain, clarify for me?
I am as innocent as a child’s playful glee?
I had no vendetta, I had no theory,
I hadn’t any big wishes, except for joys and a bit of cheer.
I knew not, truly, dear heart, we had bleeding roses in store.

Stories that have no beginnings, tales without endings,
That start lonely, and end lonely, they rain bleeding roses.
Of hearts that cry and learn to live alone and stop questioning,
They just keep sucking manna out of solitary trysts, always beckoning.
They know now, that life will always rain bleeding roses.

Know it, heart. Know it, mind. It’s always going to rain,
And rain it will, in soft and tender, beautiful bleeding roses.

About Lifters and Leaners

International Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer & Youth Empowerment Coach in India –Simerjeet Singh talks about what is the way to happiness, how one must learn to decide that happiness is right now, and not “after one goal is achieved, then another and so on”… and how one must seek to be happy first, before spreading happiness around.

About Lifters and Leaners, Mr. Singh says, “People can be categorized into two types – lifters and leaners.” Lifters are those who are truly happy from inside, and they always lift others up. Leaners are empty on the inside, but try to find happiness from external sources, without realising that unless one is happy inside, nothing from the external world can make him/her truly happy. A lifter is a person resembling a filled up glass – he can only pour his happiness across to other people. Only when you are filled up and brimming with joy inside, can you come to the position of spreading the happiness over.

Simerjeet Singh says this is an illusion. The illusion that you can suppress your happiness and find it in making someone else happy. It is the biggest lie you tell yourself. Unless you are happy inside yourself, you can never be truly happy.

A wonderful example that is, to understand the true way to happiness – there is no way to happiness.Happiness is the way. So, if you fill up your life with little moments of happiness every day of your life, you will only look back to see a joyful life spent, living each moment, no matter how difficult or how easy it was, to the fullest.

He gives another poignant example – that being thankful and grateful for life’s blessings is the best way to live a rich life. He starts his day with two words – Thank You. I personally have been thankful to a lot of things/people in my life, for loving me, breaking me, hurting me, teaching me, and in the process, becoming the catalysts who resulted in the me that I am today. The universe loves to give you more when you thank it for its blessings. I have followed this for the past two years. After Robin Sharma, Darren Hardy and Paulo Coelho introduced me to the laws of attraction and how one has to live every moment to live life fully, I am today touched by the concept of Lifters and Leaners as introduced by Singh.

I, for sure, know what I want to be –  a lifter. What do you choose to be?

Diaries of a Hechicera

I used to write this series called Diaries of a Hechicera in my other blog. I was going through the other blog, reading some old blogs and feeling really really wistful – but I decided to start this series on A Walk into the Woods again.

Hechicera has grown up – she has seen enough in life to understand that a la-la land does not exist. She carries some mishaps from her past, some difficult to handle consequences that will remain with her forever.

Hechicera loves life today. She has learnt to accept and believe that dreams will come true only if one lives in the real world. That there is no one who will make her happy and that happiness has to come from within.

She has days when she is so down that lifting her up is herculean. But she has learnt to manage it and she has learnt to accept herself with all her good things and faults. She looks at life today with a top of the mountain view and understands that she is just a small speck in the huge abundant universe.

*Hechicera means enchantress.

She opened a blank notebook

Her thoughts came and went.

Her memory just couldn’t be depended on anymore. Depression had eaten away her cognition and the void glared at her all the time, threatening to engulf her into nothingness.

She had to take control. She couldn’t let her memory play hide and seek with her.

She made a resolve.

She opened a blank notebook and started writing. Two words… Help me.

******

‘This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’

(Backdated, originally written on 18 Sep 2016)