“Give all your heart’s grievances to Him. And only Him. Do not cry before anyone else.” I am holding on. I will not cry. No way. When I see Him, I have a lot of questions. When I meet Him, I have hundreds of grievances. Questions as to what was the game He played with me. What was it all about?
Every day emerges with a new question.
Every day reveals a new nightmare, a new fear – or rather the same fears reborn every single day.
In the wake of what He did, the pain inside my heart will have a destination.
I wanted to give up something that I have truly loved. Always. And I told my mentor so.
I told him, I am thinking of giving up my blog. Because that’s what I have loved the most. Always.
And he asked why. I said, I am not able to write much these days. All I can dish out is negative stuff which I do not want to write about. My blog has always been a happy place. It isn’t anymore. Even my readers have dwindled out. Obviously they would.. I have hardly visited anyone. Not many come to read me anymore. There were times when I wanted to be read, I wanted to be with everyone.. in the midst of everyone. I don’t, now.
My life has collapsed. Big time.
My blog, I know, used to spread sunshine. Today, even I feel morose when I open it.
I feel like a butterfly with clipped wings. Carefully clipped wings.
Someone planned for two years, carefully, and plotted, and clipped them…
They ruined me.
Those closest to me have moved away. I am all alone, with just a handful who I can count on my fingers. I used to idolize them, those who have moved away. But differences cropped up. And they happily declare that they have broken ties with me. A lot of them have. I just didn’t realize until I heard it from someone.
One fact is very true.
That when you are moving against the wind, there hardly remains anyone.
Doc – “She is not in the condition to go yet.”
Ma – “She has to.”
Doc – “She can’t.”
Ma – “She has work to do. She has her life to see.”
Me – “I need to go.”
“I can’t stay here. They don’t like me. I have a lot to prove. Even after.”
(Wiping tears away.)
Doc – “Don’t let her go.”