Diaries of a Hechicera: Meet me ;-)

Hechicera means Enchantress – one who can put a spell on you with her qualities.

Today, Hechicera reveals herself.
She is the girl next door , the girl of your dreams, the lady in your fantasies.

She is a dreamer, a compulsive dreamer. She is inside you – the person who has always wished for the moon and the stars. She lives in her own world, she has her own language, she sings her own songs…

She has nothing to do with the big bad world. In her little world, there is only love, affection, kindness and gentleness. She does not want to leave her world. She wants to stay there forever. She wants her friends and her love to join her in her world. She wants to keep them away from the big bad world.

Call her Maya. She is Maya – the lady who danced in green fields in the white dress.. her dupatta flowing with the winds… her arms dancing to the enchanting tune… she is your imagination.

She is on a journey towards the Unknown. But she has faith that the Unknown will be where her heart is. She is constantly searching for the elusive someone. She is searching for her heart. She thinks the destination will be the start of another journey. If you follow her, she will crumble away into nothingness. If you try to touch her,she will melt away. If you want her, you can never have her. If you already have her, you can never lose her. She – is Hechicera.

Here’s my question to you, my lovely readers.

Who is YOUR Hechicera? Why is she your Hechicera?

Let us see you answer this one. I would like to know who Maya is for all of you out there reading this fantasy story.

She sold herself

“Aseen sajna tuti yaari da, ajj tak afsos manaunde rahe…
Tusee heera gawa ke khush phirde, asee pathran laay pachtaunde rahe”

I am nursing my broken heart, and still mourning for it till date,
You are happy losing a diamond, I am still regretting the loss of a pebble.


She was hurled out the car by the man she loved. She was drunk, drugged and high. Wandering on the streets aimlessly in the dark of the night, she sized up her past two relationships. They were more physical than emotional. Emotional at her end, but the men, only wanted her body. She couldn’t see it. Everyone tried to show her the truth. She defied.

She did not want to believe them, because she believed him. He wouldn’t commit. Yet, she believed him. There were red lights every time they spoke about marriage. Yet, she believed him. He would avoid talking about ‘us’. She had never been in any of his future plans. Yet, she believed him.

Today, when he unceremoniously hurled her out of his car, bang on the highway, in a state of stupor, her eyes suddenly saw what everyone was trying to show her. It was her body he had wanted all along. It was only sex. No love. She was dazed at the realization. All alone.

Passersby look at her – wierdo. She is talking to herself.

I am a commodity. You never loved me. I am only a commodity. How dare you do this to me. You knew HE had used me too, before you. Yet, you did the same thing to me. Nobody sees the heart that beats inside a woman’s body. A woman is only the sum total of her physical assets. You know what? So be it. If that is what it is, then that is what it is gonna be.

She is seen at red light areas now – in the same stupor, red-shot eyes and swaying in lilting dresses. People still use her. Use her body. At least, this time, she knows that that is what they want from her. At least, this time, they won’t take her heart and mangle it into a million bloody shreds. At least, they pay her now. She can always buy those drugs and keep herself high. Until her last breath. Bastards.

Built from: Heroine, Fashion and The Dirty Picture

The thirteenth floor

“I can’t believe you have brought me to streets like these!!!”

“I just can’t believe this!! Aaahh, look at the muck – the street can hardly fit one car.” And half of it is filled up with garbage. She regretted having called the local guy to ask for electronic stores. Who knew this street would turn out to be a nightmare.

The cheek of this man with her – the street was so narrow, that they had to CLIMB platforms to cross hurdles.. and he did not even offer a hand! As if she did Spider Man stunts day in and day out…The cheek!!

“I can’t believe you are so fussy!” He said. “I am the one who doesn’t live here.. I have no problems. You are just being too fussy. see? This is why I bought such big boots. BTW I need another pair of those.” A cocky smile.

She raises her eyes in desperation! Men and their big boots. Hmmph!

“You better treat me to a good lunch after all this, I tell you.”

As they approach the Thirteenth Floor, he tells her how he had visited this restaurant with another friend and that it was a good place. She was just hungry. She didn’t care which floor it was, as long as they had food to eat. And well, the restaurant actually was on the thirteenth floor and was named so. Not bad.. they entered and he pointed towards the balcony where there were tables set up in open air.. under the skies..

Ahh.. now she smiles. She likes it. She likes this. 13th floor. What a view – they took a table near the parapet. The metro was visible below. She had never sat in the metro. She hadn’t bothered to figure out how to do that. Who cares.

She looked at the man who sat before her. His grey kurta looked royal on his broad shoulders. He had a smile on his face. A scrumptious lunch ensued, with little moments of love. She looked at him and wondered again. There were undercurrents between them, of uncertainty and tension. Both of them had their own battles to fight, but were scrambling for some moments of peace together. She thought, I can not live without him.

Of course she didn’t say that to him. They had a mutual understanding of avoiding the impending serious issues. Instead, she said, “Thanks for this wonderful lunch. It is as romantic as I would have wanted it to be. I love you.” This day would remain with her until the last day of her life. For some, these little joys are everyday affairs, but for some like her, they are like diamonds. You can’t have them again and again. Maybe only once. That’s all you can do before getting broke.

As they got up to leave, he wanted to click a few pictures of the view from the 13th floor. But of course, women – he knew she would protest if she wasn’t made a part of those pictures. So he cleverly and smartly takes one picture of hers, and then gets busy with click click click, capturing the metro below and some good cityscapes. Of course she sees through the ruse. She does protest a bit. But she is still reeling under the beauty of the lunch – the quiet togetherness, the romantic climate, the view, the entire feel of those two hours.

As the lift traversed to the ground floor, she told him, ‘Don’t ever leave me and go away.”

All he said was, “Haanji.”

Diaries of the Hechicera: Bleeding Roses

In my mind’s eye, I envisioned a story that had no beginning,
Years and years of wait, is what I could only imagine.
Life’s most fruitful years, one by one just disappeared
Left me wondering, wandering, perplexed and tired.
It’s raining bleeding roses. Know it. It’s raining bleeding roses.

In my sweet innocent little heart, I heard a heartbeat whisper,
It questioned, in doubt, finally!! Will the wait be over?
And I really really thought, it would be,
So I convinced my innocent heart, hour after hour.
It was raining bleeding roses, I didn’t know. It was raining bleeding roses.

There they were, the heart and mind, rejoicing a tad bit early,
For in store for them, was a story that would leave them both gory.
I had no answer, nothing to tell them, their eyes reflecting hurt deep,
For they felt that I had betrayed them, beyond repair, ruthlessly.
Would you please tell them I hadn’t known, it rained bleeding roses?

Would you? You? and You? Please explain, clarify for me?
I am as innocent as a child’s playful glee?
I had no vendetta, I had no theory,
I hadn’t any big wishes, except for joys and a bit of cheer.
I knew not, truly, dear heart, we had bleeding roses in store.

Stories that have no beginnings, tales without endings,
That start lonely, and end lonely, they rain bleeding roses.
Of hearts that cry and learn to live alone and stop questioning,
They just keep sucking manna out of solitary trysts, always beckoning.
They know now, that life will always rain bleeding roses.

Know it, heart. Know it, mind. It’s always going to rain,
And rain it will, in soft and tender, beautiful bleeding roses.

 

PS: This is what I would call, one of my twilight poems – something I wrote just before going into a deep disturbed sleep. I wrote about it here.

Copyright 2012 Punam J R All rights reserved.

Sapne… pagle sapne

लाखों  बार  समझाया ,  फिर  भी  ये सपने  पगले  सपने

हर  रात  आकर  जगा  जाते  हैं  अरमानों  की   लहरें

क्यूँ  होता  है  ऐसा , की  हमको  वो  नहीं  मिलता

जिसे  हम  तहे  दिल  से  चाह  कर  पाने  की  रखते  हैं  तमन्ना

जले  हैं  हाथ  फिर  भी  दिल  को  फिर  से  जलने  दिया

लाख  समझाया , फिर  भी  सपनों  को  दुबारा  पलने  दिया

हर  दिन  हर  रात  टूटके  बिखरते  हैं  ये  सपने

फिर  सुबह  सवेरे  नयी  डोर  से  लिपट  जाते  हैं  पगले  सपने

कौन  समझाए   इनको , की  न  हो  इतने  बेचैन

जब  टूटना  ही  है  हर  रोज़ , तोह  क्यूँ   जुड़ते  हैं  सपने

जब  टूटना   ही  है  हर  रोज़  तोह  क्यूँ  जुड़ते  हैं  हम ?

पगले  कहती  हो  पूनम  हमको , तुम  हो  सबसे  बड़ी  बावरी

जीना  यही  है  जीना   सीखो , हर  पल  में  दुनिया  भर  लो

कल  को  ये  तो  नहीं  ग़म  होगा  कि  जिया  ही  नहीं , यह  क्या  किया

कल  को  मुड  कर  पीछे   देखा , तो  ज़िन्दगी  रेत   के  कण  की  तरह

हाथों  से  फिसलती  दिखेगी  जब  पूनम  तुमको ,

तो  क्या  हुआ  अगर  ज़िन्दगी  ने  तुमको  धोखा  दे  दिया ,

तब  तुम  यही  सोचोगी , की  सपने  तो   देखे , सपनो  में तो  जिया

Translation:

Dreams.. Crazy dreams..

I’ve told myself a million times, but crazy dreams just don’t listen to me.

Bringing waves of desires, every night, they overwhelm me.

Why don’t we ever receive that, which we desire

from the deepest depths of the heart?

Once bitten, yet I let my heart burn yet again,

Tried to stop a million times, yet let those dreams simmer again

Every night and every day, these dreams shatter

like shards of broken glass,

Yet the next dawn sees crazy dreams arising into a new beginning again

Someone implore them to exercise restraint,

Why arise and shine when they have to disintegrate every day?

Why we arise and shine when we have to disintegrate every day?

You call us crazy, but you are the biggest fool.

Know that this is life, your world in each of its moments,

At least you’d have no regrets tomorrow, on how you lived your life

Looking back at today, Punam, when you see your life

Escaping through your fingers like slippery grains of sand

To hell with life and its grand betrayals,

At least, you dreamt!!

At least, your dreams were alive!!


Laakhon baar samjhaya, phir bhi yeh sapne pagle sapne

Har raat aakar jaga jaate hain armaanon ki lehrein

Kyun hota hai aisa, ki humko woh nahin milta

Jise hum tahe dil se chah kar paane ki rakhte hain tamanna

Jale hain haath phir bhi dil ko phir se jalne diya

Laakh samjhaya, phir bhi sapnon ko dobara palne diya

Har din har raat tootke bikhar te hain yeh sapne

Phir subah savere nayi dor se lipat jaate hain pagle sapne

Kaun samjhaye inko, ki na ho itne bechaen

Jab toot na hi hai har roz, toh kyun judte hain sapne

Jab tootna hi hai har roz toh kyun judte hain hum?

Pagle kehti ho punam humko, tum ho sabse badi baawri

Jeena yahi hai jeena seekho, har pal mein duniya bhar lo

Kal ko yeh toh nahin gham hoga ki jiya hi nahin, yeh kya kiya

Kal ko mud kar peeche dekha, toh zindagi ret ke kan ki tarah

Haathon se phisalti dikhegi jab punam tumko,

To kya hua agar zindagi ne tumko dhokha de diya,

Tab tum yahi sochogi, ki sapne toh dekhe, sapno mein to jiya

When I sleep… zzz… *think*… zzz… *think*…

I have a very strange life and a very strange habit.

Just before I go to sleep, my mind is racing.. and since I do not get to blog too much, I think a lot.. and I think entire blog posts which get lost in the labyrinths of my mind.

So during these moments just before dozing off, my mind is racing about some important topic I want to write about in my blog.. and it starts simulating the whole process.. exactly the way THIS very blog post is coming into existence. I start off with a good beginning, then move on to explaining the whole point of view and then end it – this process goes on without a hitch – in a very smooth practiced manner.

And what is even more stranger, yes, a friend just called me “psycho” – THRICE, playfully of course, but I positively do not like being called so – because it reminds me of someone else.. but that is besides the point – what is even more stranger, is that sometimes, i recite entire poems in my dreams/sleep/half-awake state – and these poems are actually beautiful poems, if only I could get up right then and record them… I don’t, obviously, and hence, I lose them in the memories of time.

Now, I wonder if this happens to anybody.
Because I am strange. Yes. But then, I would like to believe every person is, in their own right. I believe every person has his/her strange wierdo qualities that make them unique.

Art Prints

And I am proud of mine.. I am proud of the way I am.. the way my heart is, and the way my mind is.. I know I am capable of giving unconditional love, and that I am capable of keeping someone happy. This has been a quality in me that I cherish – the amount of patience I can have and the lengths I can go to, to “give”.

Sounds like justification? Ooppss!!

Coming back to writing, I must make more time for my blog.
I have so much to say.. so many thoughts rushing inside my mind and waiting to pour out.
Or I will surely go crazy.

PS: The last couple of days have been a bit on the rougher side, and I am feeling all weak and mentally worn out. So perhaps my next few posts might speak my state of mind… Never the less.. like life has seasons, my blog does too. I am just proud to be me. 🙂

Thank you for reading me.

Unsettled

It was a hot summer noon
As I approached the city
Horses greet me on the way,
Pulling a royal chariot away..
Unsettled.

A mission to seek
An abode meek
Nothing great,
Just a humble piece.
Unsettled.

Wandered, hour after hour
Long days turned into longer nights
I would see myself staring into space
Wondering when life would take pace
Unsettled.

I miss those days, when we were two
Hand in hand, our dreams we drew
Sapne dekhogi nahin toh poore kaise honge
(If you don’t have dreams in the first place,
How will you fulfill them?)
Was all you said, and I KNEW… Yet,
Unsettled.

I have to stay calm, the test of time
Time is for sure, the best healer
As I live my life in bits n pieces,
I dream away…
Unsettled.

I live a life of fragments
Each fragment an eternity
So u see, kind sire, thou art eternities away from me
WHEN oh when do you plan to appear…
Unsettled.

Stars twinkling in my eyes,
I gaze at the moon-less sky
I see your perfect features
And wonder we are so far, why
Unsettled.

Rain drops falling on my face
I used to love them so
Will we see them together
While the soft breeze flows
Unsettled.

As I build an empty home
With trinkets and junkets of stuff
I see myself wandering through
A life of no consequence…
Unsettled.

I feel overtly unsettled
With tensions unbridled
Like a note in a bottle at sea
tossing and turning with waves,
Unsettled.

Not knowing who will read the note,
Pray, will a prince appear?
Out of nowhere to read me and my heart,
And take me to the shores, in arms cosseted..
Until then,
Unsettled. Period.