Turning back

She found his sister-in-law walking down the street opposite to her house. It had been 8 years since she had seen any of his family members. Debating whether to avoid or not, she found her approaching. In her heart, she missed the friendship she had shared with his sister. It was an easy-going friendship, one that was without judgement. She called her ‘didi’, and not ‘bhabhi’. She did not want to bring the ‘weight’ of a bhabhi-wala relation into the simple sisterly friendship.

As didi approached, she hugged her, reminiscing the days gone by. Didi took her to her house, where there were a lot of people buzzing around, maybe for a wedding that was planned in the house. She felt amiss. Didi took her to a room and asked her to wait. On the other side of the room, she felt a presence. Ma. She jumped in surprise, went ahead and hugged ma too. Touched feet. Ma was distanced and detached. She handed me a letter. A handwritten letter.

She just took and just gave it a listless glance. No expression. When she went to her room, she found him there. She had forgiven him and had no weight in her heart. So, she greeted him politely.  Apparently, they all wanted him and her to get back together. She thought in her heart, that it was a foolish wishful want. She debated whether to cut this conversation short or see what he had to say. Curiosity took over and she took a seat 5 feet away from him. They spoke about inconsequential things. Then his intention was to move on to personal chat, but she sensed it and cut him short. She wanted to leave, but he got angry. All she said was, “You are still the same. Lower your temper.”

And she went to her parents to tell them to go and ask that family to move on. What did she achieve from that conversation? Not sure, maybe she had the satisfaction of knowing that it was the right thing to do, to walk out. Rather, to accept that he walked out. That a piece of paper with two signatures mean nothing when someone does not want to nurture a relationship. And of course, vice versa.

She thought of the man she now had in her life. Dynamic, mature and extremely loving. She thanked her stars. A small smile escaped her lips.

Track 2:

In her words:

The wedding atmosphere suddenly turned into tension filled melee. She was puzzled. Then people came running and shouting that the groom has halted the wedding celebrations because he wanted 10 lakhs immediately. The bride’s parents tried to ask our parents to arrange for the money. And fools that they are, they way they chose that man for me, they scrambled around, arranging for it.

I asked them to stop the madness. Just. Stop. It.

How dare that girl not stop this by taking a stand?? This for God’s sake is the 21st century. Educated people do NOT blackmail the bride’s family for money on the altar of marriage. What stops her from walking out? Is it okay to see her parents begging others for money? Is it okay to see the elderly couple scrambling around, and losing their wits on something as inconsequential as “buying a groom for their daughter”????

Track 3:

She wakes up with a jolt, angry and upset. Why after so many years, did she see this dream? Perhaps somewhere in her psyche, she expected him to come and apologize to her. And perhaps, somewhere in her psyche, she wants all those girls to stand up for their parents, who feel they are a victim of the society’s demands for sending a daughter with loads of materialistic things, with or without demand.

Track 4:

She thought of her parents who had the strength that ONLY true love could give, to support and in fact, help her in the brave decision she took so many years ago. She smiled as she saw the way her father’s head held high, when she told him of the salary hike she recently got. He is one proud father – he has seen her move from being a meek domestic girl to a confident corporate lady.

She immediately picked up her phone, and dialled Papa.

Smiling Female Business Leader With Arms Crossed

Diaries of the Hechicera: The love she knew and the love that grew

His face was not very clear

There was dream upon dream
She waited eternally for him to appear
But her dream was still a dream

“O! Please please come soon, dear
Come and take over my life
I want to see you, touch and hear!
The stories of your life and strife.”

She would beckon in her dream
To that hazy not-so-clear face
And imagine him standing close to her
Real close, like a miracle on a good day.

The love she finally knew, twice,
Was ugly and wild, for all that she grew

Her hopes, aspirations, all the anticipation,
Everything lost, evaporated like summer dew.

Little did she know that this was not to be
For there in time, waiting, was someone worthy
She knew not, the test of her lord,
She was being groomed to become adored
She imagined her life, disintegrating, bit by bit
Her fate was, in truth, being sealed in the right orbit.
And her life was being set so so right.

Her destiny took her to true love
The love she knew earlier was a hallucination cove.
She thought she had seen it all
But the truth struck her with his arrival.
There he came, her Knight in shining armor, riding the sea waves
His arrival was so calm, absolutely a wonder

He came, bruised and battered, soul searching
Found solace in her suffering and healing.
She gave him what he missed, he gave her love

He gave her what she missed, she gave him trust.

Had their fates been sealed earlier? One does wonder.
When the universe decides to give the love u knew
Is there anything else that you wish to do?
You start believing that it is a circle
Life falls into its destined oracle

Why do you think it was over then?
Because, it’s never over, ever.

There was another story in the offing
The story had someone and you starring
The Love she knew, was the love that grew
The love he deserved was the love she gave

And they lived, happily ever after.
And they lived, happily ever after.

Being reserved

Pouring my heart out today – rant alert. I am an introvert. In the last few days, I have been reading a lot of posts on introverts and realized one thing – that we all face the same issues and that very few people understand us.

When at work, I would like to be included in the conversations and get-togethers but usually I do not participate. I just listen. As a result, people isolate me terribly and I end up being the most misunderstood individual – and lonely.

Group discussions and gossip irritate me. Hi and Hello conversations just put me off as I feel they are wastage of time. Yes, I greet people, but that is all. People do not understand that I am totally into one-to-one conversations. Conversations that turn into memories and not just idle gossip.

I need my ‘me’ time and love to get lost in work. When I am working, the world fades away – another complaint I hear about myself. I don’t know what else to do. I prefer my own company and love to paint, crochet and read. But once in a while, I do feel like going out and meeting people who add value to my life (and who, by the way, are very few).

There is a small set of people who understand me very well – they do not judge my introvert qualities and are very happy to invite me when going to the cafe or just for a break. They speak and mean well and I believe I am not a bad communicator. However, why some people misunderstand me is beyond my comprehension. I know I should not get affected by this and mostly, I don’t. Once in a while, it gets to me and today is one of those days. Yes I have read Susan Cain and have heard her videos, I have read hundreds of articles on the web. But it’s just the same pain everywhere.

Somewhere, I happen to believe that I have been at the receiving end of office politics, due to which, my being an introvert is being abused. I have reasons to feel so. I can not let it affect me, and more importantly, I can not have anyone know that it affects me. But it does. Again, this is one of those days.

I think my thoughts are pretty incoherent and I will just stop here before the mish-mash becomes too hard to read.

Diaries of the Hechicera: Bleeding Roses

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Image Credit: Nicolas Raymond

In my mind’s eye, I envisioned a story that had no beginning,
Years and years of wait, is what I could only imagine.
Life’s most fruitful years, one by one just disappeared
Left me wondering, wandering, perplexed and tired.
It’s raining bleeding roses. Know it. It’s raining bleeding roses.

In my sweet innocent little heart, I heard a heartbeat whisper,
It questioned, in doubt, finally!! Will the wait be over?
And I really really thought, it would be,
So I convinced my innocent heart, hour after hour.
It was raining bleeding roses, I didn’t know. It was raining bleeding roses.

There they were, the heart and mind, rejoicing a tad bit early,
For in store for them, was a story that would leave them both gory.
I had no answer, nothing to tell them, their eyes reflecting hurt deep,
For they felt that I had betrayed them, beyond repair, ruthlessly.
Would you please tell them I hadn’t known, it rained bleeding roses?

Would you? You? and You? Please explain, clarify for me?
I am as innocent as a child’s playful glee?
I had no vendetta, I had no theory,
I hadn’t any big wishes, except for joys and a bit of cheer.
I knew not, truly, dear heart, we had bleeding roses in store.

Stories that have no beginnings, tales without endings,
That start lonely, and end lonely, they rain bleeding roses.
Of hearts that cry and learn to live alone and stop questioning,
They just keep sucking manna out of solitary trysts, always beckoning.
They know now, that life will always rain bleeding roses.

Know it, heart. Know it, mind. It’s always going to rain,
And rain it will, in soft and tender, beautiful bleeding roses.

Diaries of a Hechicera

I used to write this series called Diaries of a Hechicera in my other blog. I was going through the other blog, reading some old blogs and feeling really really wistful – but I decided to start this series on A Walk into the Woods again.

Hechicera has grown up – she has seen enough in life to understand that a la-la land does not exist. She carries some mishaps from her past, some difficult to handle consequences that will remain with her forever.

Hechicera loves life today. She has learnt to accept and believe that dreams will come true only if one lives in the real world. That there is no one who will make her happy and that happiness has to come from within.

She has days when she is so down that lifting her up is herculean. But she has learnt to manage it and she has learnt to accept herself with all her good things and faults. She looks at life today with a top of the mountain view and understands that she is just a small speck in the huge abundant universe.

*Hechicera means enchantress.